Not ready for this.

A has refused to breastfeed this past week. At first I thought he may be on strike. Perhaps my reaction to him biting me was painful for us both, but it fucking hurts to be bit in the nip by a smiling babe. Fuck. It always is a quick nip of the nip but it scares the dickens out of me to have him latch on when he isn't interested or distracted because he may choose to bite me. Ouch. It has happened a few times now and I say sternly "NO BITING" and I make an awful face and he cries. So we take a rest and try again later and the whole interaction takes place again. Not fun. Then a couple days ago I realized that he may be done with me. Rejected. He shakes his head no and refuses to latch on. His choice. He's let me go. I'm crushed. No sympathy from the spouse. Concern from my mother. My sister thinks its funny that it makes me cry to tell them that he doesn't want me anymore. She thinks I am pregnant again and emotional (Fuck that. I took a test, and I am NOT). So I start googling and come across the term "Child Lead Weaning". It happens. (Although these website say its naturally occurring for a child to self wean from the breast from 2.5 to 4 YEARS. Anything before one year is atypical. Fuck you you crazy breastfeeding hippys with your tandom breastfeeding toddlers). So I cried reading other people's stories and I cry reading that it might definetly be over. Then I read a paragraph about letting go and the journey to independence. That I should not deny my child's right to make choices and that it is my responsibility to let him lead the relationship and that he may know best in this circumstance. I should praise his independence and give thanks for his ability to move forward. Yeah, but shit man, I am not ready. My tits have shrivelled up in to sad bags of nothingness. From a full C to a sting of a bee. Another lesson in parenthood... He is his own person. I must allow for him to grow... apart from me. He has nursed each night for a brief moment at 4:00am with no bites or rejection. It isn't quiet over yet, but I am preparing myself. Sweet boy. I love you. I loved nursing you. I love sleeping face to face. I love your smell. I love your morning cuddles. I am always here for you to come back to. This stage of my life is devoted to you and your sister. You are the first thought of my day and the last faces I want to see before bed. I am in the right place at the right time and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world but next to you both. You have made my dreams come true. I promise to let you make choices. I will be strong and not fall apart at the seams even though I am not ready at times. This isn't about me. It's all about you. I don't want you to feel guilt or hesitation from my resistance to your seeking independence. I promise I will work on this from this day forward.

tickles

A is ticklish. Just enough that he lets me do it. I know he likes it because he smiles and gently chuckles. His toes, palms of his hands, thighs. I just lightly touch them and he sweetly squirms and laughs a bit and never pushes me away. It fills me with love and sweetness. What a privledge to love someone like this.

universal sign of disrespect?

K has tunred into a fearless sassy 3.5 year old. Yesterday she stuck her tongue out at a stranger and I almost died of embarrasment. How dare you, little devil. That is not what I have taught you. She got a fierce verbal licking from me on the way home. Rude! Disrespectful! Mean! I NEVER NEVER NEVER want to see you do that again. No, you can not have your music on. She sobbed in her carseat and said "I am really sorry mommy" and then moments later passed out from exhaustion. She had a sleepover at my sisters for the first time last night. She's tired. Did THEY teach her that?? Who can I blame. One of my earliest memories of getting in trouble was when my father spanked me after I stuck my tongue out at him. I was confused at the time beacsue we were horsing around. But that spank sealed the firm notion that YOU NEVER STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT ANY ONE. To this day I barely can do it. When I sensed she had fallen asleep, I saw two enornous tears perched on her cheeks. The reminded me of my shame and confusion of that moment when I did the same thing. My punishment was not as harsh... at least I hope not. But how am I going to manage the other things, the bigger things that she learns and does that go against my values & beliefs? This reaction was hard enough. She's her own person. Guide as you wish. But remember she will do as she chooses. This parenting this is going to be harder that I thought.

He is rejecting me

I have implemented a bottle here and there over the last month so I can have some free time. I have been away from the kids three nights. End result? I couldn't get back to them fast enough, was unable to sleep in and had to tend to my poor swollen tatas in the morning. Not as much fun as one would hope.
Today A pushed me away, losing interest in my milk.

My boobs are sulking from the lack of attention and they are depressed. Hanging miserably. Lifeless.

They are not making the abundancy of milk as in the past few months. Am I being punished? I should drink more water and take fennel tea. I should stop giving him bottles. But it's faster and sort of easier and he likes them more than me. But I am not ready to give up.

All these years when I heard mothers say "He choose to stop breastfeeding himself,jsut sort of lost interest". I snickered and judged them as selfishm thinking "sure, you probably wanted a break". And here I am. The jokes on me.

8 months

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am in love with this little man of mine. His delicious. His eyes are grey green with patches of brown. I have never seen eyes like these before. They twinkle, like he is always up to something. He smiles at everyone and everyone goes all gooey over him. Every time I change him he claps. He claps when he is crying. One hand is still and the other pudge hits the opposing palm. We just spent the weekend with friends and brought A out to the campfire around midnight. He was still. Taking everything in. Staring at our faces in the glow. Not scared nor startled, he just took it all in. He's so calm and sweet. Such a good baby. I travelled 7 hours alone with the kids today and he started complaining for food 20 minutes before we got home. He leans forward in his little carseat and watches, smiles and chuckles at Kate. She reassures him that we are almost home, she tries to make him clap again. She tells him what she sees out the window. They can just reach for eachothers hands and barely pass a toy from one hand to the other. But they managed it a few times today. It melts my heart. A stranger at the restaurant we stopped in for lunch today, asked him if he could hold her (I love when people check in with the babies too). He went with no hesitation and she cooed and gooed and smiled and touched him. I thought it was sweet. He indulged her with his trusting curiosity and smiled his coy grin back at her. I jokingly said, Well, K, should we leave him? "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He's OUR ALEC! He's my brother. I like him.". Seriously, I have to put my gooey heart back together often with these two. He has two sharp teeth and he bites me. He also pinches the hell out of me and rolls my skin with this little fingers. I let him do it but it hurts. I scolded him with a loud NO BITING after he drew bllod for the fourth time that day. His bottom lip quivered and he sobbed. I was devasted that a reacted exactly how I had promised myself not to respond. Luckily, my boy forgave me. I forgive him too for the pain! I always will. He army crawled across the room today and rewarded himself with a melody played on the door stopper. He's almost on the go. I love having a son. I love watching my daughter help raise him. I love the tenderness she offers him and the joy they create. I am often left out of their interactions. Whenever I ask what they are up to, she simply says "Nothing" after I find that she has crawled in to his crib. It's amazing to see how totally bonded they are already, like they have always known eachother and are just meeting again.

Pepe update

Pepes were placed in an envelope and tossed in the mailbox. She cried momentarily when she realized this was it. No more pepes in her company at night time any more. The night went off well. She did not wake up. She did not stir in her sleep. No nightmares. No anxiety attacks (from either of us). Just total acceptance. Of course they are so much more resilient then what we give them credit for. The next day she said very sweetly at night "Can I have my pepe?". No sweetie, you are three now. The next night, in a different tone "Can I pleaaaase have my pepe??". Smiles. No, sorry my love. You are three now. Ok. It was easy. I will never doubt you again.

Turning 3 tomorrow

My sweet K is turning three tomorrow. She asked for a bike and a green horse and nothing else "because I already have toys and books and clothes". Sigh.

So we bought her a green bike and an ice cream cake with a horse on it.

Tonight is also the night that we are giving her beloved PEPE away. I am having severe anxiety about this. She has shed some tears and I would let her have it forever but I realize its time and I have been talking about today for 6 months...

When you turn three, no more pepes!
K, let's read, Soothers aren't forever...
You are a big girl when you are three, only babies have pepes...

so on a Friday night, I made an envelope that says "Soother Fairy C/O Canada Post". She is supposed to put all her pepes in the envelope, put it in the mailbox tonight, sleep for the first time EVER without her pepe, wake up to her birthday, she gets her green bike and they Soother Fairy should have picked up her pepes from the mailbox and left a present for her.

I don't want to put her to bed tonight!! It's like I am sending her off to college. Seriously. How hard is this parenting going to be? We left her damn monkey toy in Clagary two weeks ago and the I panicked, nearly hyper ventilated when I realized it was left under the bed at our aunts house... How am I going to tell her? She is going to freak... instead my resilient sweet pea asked a few questions and after feeling reassured that monkey will get back to her shortly she was fine. Just fine.

So how is tonight going to unfold? I have to follow through with this decision. Right? Oh my lordy. Besides the fact that it gives her so much comfort, she is also immediately soothed back to sleep when it is replaced in her mouth AND she is quiet in the car when she gets tired and sucks it. I also have used it to bribe her to stay in her bed at night... How many times have I said over the last year "I'll take your pepe away if you don't stay in bed!". It's ALWAYS worked. What an awesome invention.

Please sleep tonight sweet child. I am sorry for the trauma it may cause you. I am doing it for your teeth. And it's time. You are a big girl now. 3 years old tomorrow. Wow. You can keep your blanket forever.

Happy Birthday my love.

It's a boy!

K was right the entire time I was pregnant. Did she know on a deep celular level that we were waiting for this exact boy. another perfect being to solidfy our family? She meet him with such ease like she aways knew him. She amazes me.

We took awhile to name our bawled Baby boy, perhaps because C was unavailable to commit to the time it takes to muster through a baby name book. Perhaps becasue we had no idea what sex the baby would be. C claims it was the responsibility of naming another human that caused him stress. It's a huge decision.

There was a video taken of me and him trying to come up with a name while I nursed A. A perfect latch. His face so unfamiliar to me still. Who are you little man? How am I going to know what to do with you?

He looks at me like he has been here before. It's unnerving. Like he wants a coffee and paper, not someone cooing and kissing him. He knows things. More than few people have said the same thing; "Look at those eyes, he is trying to tell me something".

So now we have a girl-boy combo? People started saying "perfect family" and "Million dollar unit"! What does that mean?!! Our perfectly not perfect partnership has been rattled and blessed by these two tiny crazy people who we know nothing about. I keep wondering "Where did you two come from?". It's all so amazing and yet so normal at the same time.

It's been a few months already and we are scratching the surface as to what we have got ourselves in to. Now this feels like a real family. Both of our pair of hands are full putting car seats away, crossing the street. It's busy.

A and I are super attached. He loves the boob. I could feed him all day. He twirls my necklace in between his pudgy fingers while I feed him. Heaven.

And K is the only one who can make him laugh. She tosses a toy and he chuckles, she jumps he starts giggling, if she gets down to his level... he belly laughs. But as soon as I say "Make your brother laugh". She refuses and pretends not to be interested. It's torture to be at the whim of an unpredictable toddler and infant to fill your soul with delight.

I'm tired. Oooooh so tired. If we get out of the house the day will be better. But man does it ever take effort. The days we stay indoors and watch too much tv or try do some house work, we all end up crying and needing a break.

I try to cuddle sweet and pacient A as much as possible. I worry his head is going to go flat. There are just endless tasks to accomplish.

Our midnight rondevous are what fuels me. Perhaps we shouldn't sleep tummy to tummy. But it's the sweetest most welcome touch to have your baby lie beside you. I am having a secret love affair with a younger man.

K said to me tyesterday after I told her "No" for some reason, "I am never going to play with you again!".

I love that kid. Right now she is watching Pocoyo in spanish on a split screen while I try write a memory (the days are going by to quickly, have you noticed).We are fighting for elbow space.

We took her for vietnamese food today and she ate beef wraps like she was born there. She's a pro traveller, avid story teller and super empathetic. I cried watching Untangled (when the mother and father find their Rupunzal again) and she watched me with concern and questioned why are you crying? Why are you laughing? She should talk, her baby bi-polar is not to be messed with.