Not ready for this.

A has refused to breastfeed this past week. At first I thought he may be on strike. Perhaps my reaction to him biting me was painful for us both, but it fucking hurts to be bit in the nip by a smiling babe. Fuck. It always is a quick nip of the nip but it scares the dickens out of me to have him latch on when he isn't interested or distracted because he may choose to bite me. Ouch. It has happened a few times now and I say sternly "NO BITING" and I make an awful face and he cries. So we take a rest and try again later and the whole interaction takes place again. Not fun. Then a couple days ago I realized that he may be done with me. Rejected. He shakes his head no and refuses to latch on. His choice. He's let me go. I'm crushed. No sympathy from the spouse. Concern from my mother. My sister thinks its funny that it makes me cry to tell them that he doesn't want me anymore. She thinks I am pregnant again and emotional (Fuck that. I took a test, and I am NOT). So I start googling and come across the term "Child Lead Weaning". It happens. (Although these website say its naturally occurring for a child to self wean from the breast from 2.5 to 4 YEARS. Anything before one year is atypical. Fuck you you crazy breastfeeding hippys with your tandom breastfeeding toddlers). So I cried reading other people's stories and I cry reading that it might definetly be over. Then I read a paragraph about letting go and the journey to independence. That I should not deny my child's right to make choices and that it is my responsibility to let him lead the relationship and that he may know best in this circumstance. I should praise his independence and give thanks for his ability to move forward. Yeah, but shit man, I am not ready. My tits have shrivelled up in to sad bags of nothingness. From a full C to a sting of a bee. Another lesson in parenthood... He is his own person. I must allow for him to grow... apart from me. He has nursed each night for a brief moment at 4:00am with no bites or rejection. It isn't quiet over yet, but I am preparing myself. Sweet boy. I love you. I loved nursing you. I love sleeping face to face. I love your smell. I love your morning cuddles. I am always here for you to come back to. This stage of my life is devoted to you and your sister. You are the first thought of my day and the last faces I want to see before bed. I am in the right place at the right time and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world but next to you both. You have made my dreams come true. I promise to let you make choices. I will be strong and not fall apart at the seams even though I am not ready at times. This isn't about me. It's all about you. I don't want you to feel guilt or hesitation from my resistance to your seeking independence. I promise I will work on this from this day forward.