tickles

A is ticklish. Just enough that he lets me do it. I know he likes it because he smiles and gently chuckles. His toes, palms of his hands, thighs. I just lightly touch them and he sweetly squirms and laughs a bit and never pushes me away. It fills me with love and sweetness. What a privledge to love someone like this.

universal sign of disrespect?

K has tunred into a fearless sassy 3.5 year old. Yesterday she stuck her tongue out at a stranger and I almost died of embarrasment. How dare you, little devil. That is not what I have taught you. She got a fierce verbal licking from me on the way home. Rude! Disrespectful! Mean! I NEVER NEVER NEVER want to see you do that again. No, you can not have your music on. She sobbed in her carseat and said "I am really sorry mommy" and then moments later passed out from exhaustion. She had a sleepover at my sisters for the first time last night. She's tired. Did THEY teach her that?? Who can I blame. One of my earliest memories of getting in trouble was when my father spanked me after I stuck my tongue out at him. I was confused at the time beacsue we were horsing around. But that spank sealed the firm notion that YOU NEVER STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT ANY ONE. To this day I barely can do it. When I sensed she had fallen asleep, I saw two enornous tears perched on her cheeks. The reminded me of my shame and confusion of that moment when I did the same thing. My punishment was not as harsh... at least I hope not. But how am I going to manage the other things, the bigger things that she learns and does that go against my values & beliefs? This reaction was hard enough. She's her own person. Guide as you wish. But remember she will do as she chooses. This parenting this is going to be harder that I thought.

He is rejecting me

I have implemented a bottle here and there over the last month so I can have some free time. I have been away from the kids three nights. End result? I couldn't get back to them fast enough, was unable to sleep in and had to tend to my poor swollen tatas in the morning. Not as much fun as one would hope.
Today A pushed me away, losing interest in my milk.

My boobs are sulking from the lack of attention and they are depressed. Hanging miserably. Lifeless.

They are not making the abundancy of milk as in the past few months. Am I being punished? I should drink more water and take fennel tea. I should stop giving him bottles. But it's faster and sort of easier and he likes them more than me. But I am not ready to give up.

All these years when I heard mothers say "He choose to stop breastfeeding himself,jsut sort of lost interest". I snickered and judged them as selfishm thinking "sure, you probably wanted a break". And here I am. The jokes on me.