it makes up for everything

Kate has been driving us mental the last few weeks. She learned to flip, sit & stand up in her crib and with either a laugh or a cry- she will summon us to her side. If it's past the point of sleep induced whimpers... she's impossible to put back to sleep. I practically have to restrain her from flipping another 100 times before getting tired and giving up- all the while, screaming.

And I must say that her screams are fucking loud. I have heard other babies cry and this kid of mine has some lungs on her... a deep angry frantic cry that may or may not stop after some cuddling or singing or patting or holding or nursing or pacifying. I never know if what I am doing will work. She keeps me on my toes.

But today... a new attempt at a new routine found us rocking in her chair. All cuddled up with blankets and soothers and a tummy full of milk... she was holding her hands together and I whispered "Can you clap?". And she did!

My smart baby. I forgive you.

total forgiveness

I let Kate play with a shiney red martini shaker the other day. The lid got stuck in her mouth. Like REALLY stuck. She looked at me with these big brown eyes without a care in the world until I realized that she had her mouth jammed with something. I dropped to my knees and literally pried her little mouth open somehow. She was frantic, crying alligator tears. I was panicked thinking HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET THIS FUCKING THING OUT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SORRY BABY SORRY BABY

Finally i managed to stick my finger in the side of her mouth and pop the stupid thing out. She screamed "TORTURER!!!!!!!!"

Oh my god she's bleeding. In the struggle her gums started bleeding and tears and blood and snot are being spread all over my shirt and face and chest and she flails her head back and forth.

Cuddles and hugs and gentle words won't soothe her. She pushes me away. She won't nurse. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

then she finally stopped resisting. She accepted my embrace and settled. She nursed a bit and calmed down.

Then the moment that made me cry. She pulled back and looked up with her wet face all red and blotchy and smiled.

Total complete unconditional love. I had to hurt her to help her. And she forgave me like that.