Kate has been driving us mental the last few weeks. She learned to flip, sit & stand up in her crib and with either a laugh or a cry- she will summon us to her side. If it's past the point of sleep induced whimpers... she's impossible to put back to sleep. I practically have to restrain her from flipping another 100 times before getting tired and giving up- all the while, screaming.
And I must say that her screams are fucking loud. I have heard other babies cry and this kid of mine has some lungs on her... a deep angry frantic cry that may or may not stop after some cuddling or singing or patting or holding or nursing or pacifying. I never know if what I am doing will work. She keeps me on my toes.
But today... a new attempt at a new routine found us rocking in her chair. All cuddled up with blankets and soothers and a tummy full of milk... she was holding her hands together and I whispered "Can you clap?". And she did!
My smart baby. I forgive you.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
total forgiveness
I let Kate play with a shiney red martini shaker the other day. The lid got stuck in her mouth. Like REALLY stuck. She looked at me with these big brown eyes without a care in the world until I realized that she had her mouth jammed with something. I dropped to my knees and literally pried her little mouth open somehow. She was frantic, crying alligator tears. I was panicked thinking HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET THIS FUCKING THING OUT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SORRY BABY SORRY BABY
Finally i managed to stick my finger in the side of her mouth and pop the stupid thing out. She screamed "TORTURER!!!!!!!!"
Oh my god she's bleeding. In the struggle her gums started bleeding and tears and blood and snot are being spread all over my shirt and face and chest and she flails her head back and forth.
Cuddles and hugs and gentle words won't soothe her. She pushes me away. She won't nurse. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.
then she finally stopped resisting. She accepted my embrace and settled. She nursed a bit and calmed down.
Then the moment that made me cry. She pulled back and looked up with her wet face all red and blotchy and smiled.
Total complete unconditional love. I had to hurt her to help her. And she forgave me like that.
SORRY BABY SORRY BABY
Finally i managed to stick my finger in the side of her mouth and pop the stupid thing out. She screamed "TORTURER!!!!!!!!"
Oh my god she's bleeding. In the struggle her gums started bleeding and tears and blood and snot are being spread all over my shirt and face and chest and she flails her head back and forth.
Cuddles and hugs and gentle words won't soothe her. She pushes me away. She won't nurse. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.
then she finally stopped resisting. She accepted my embrace and settled. She nursed a bit and calmed down.
Then the moment that made me cry. She pulled back and looked up with her wet face all red and blotchy and smiled.
Total complete unconditional love. I had to hurt her to help her. And she forgave me like that.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Flu Shot
Today I waited in line for 3 hours to get my Kate jabbed for the "PANDEMIC" H1N1 Flu Shot" more commonly referred to "swine flu".
The kid in front of us had boogers flooding his face. The 3 month old behind us had croup. I am not a huge worrier of germs and bugs however- I did feel like stripping us both to our birth day suits and hosing us down when we got home.
Of course I repeatedly mouthed the words "FUCK OFF" in disbelief of the lines, upon our arrival shortly after 9:00 am. My first overpowering instinct was to leave. But I breathed deeply (for that I will probably get sick now...) and told myself to wait (a constant struggle). And we did...
So I took it as an exercise at being in the moment. We observed, talked to the people in line and watched the camera crews interview people. I spotted a mother with three highly energetic toddlers who had to continually entertain them and corral them back to their place in line (later I learned she was their auntie and had no children of her own). I spoke to a mom who's husband is taking paternity leave. The time actually flew by when I just surrendered to it.
When I was next in line my stomach began to sink. I suddenly got nervous and wanted to run. Kate was only allowed to get the flu shot today. My decision to get her the shot was always based on me getting it too. The thought was "well if she gets sick from it, so will I"... "If she grows another leg because of it... so will I"
A first time. A true selfless act takes place. Totally from the core of my heart. No regard for my well being. No concern for me.
She comes first now.
The kid in front of us had boogers flooding his face. The 3 month old behind us had croup. I am not a huge worrier of germs and bugs however- I did feel like stripping us both to our birth day suits and hosing us down when we got home.
Of course I repeatedly mouthed the words "FUCK OFF" in disbelief of the lines, upon our arrival shortly after 9:00 am. My first overpowering instinct was to leave. But I breathed deeply (for that I will probably get sick now...) and told myself to wait (a constant struggle). And we did...
So I took it as an exercise at being in the moment. We observed, talked to the people in line and watched the camera crews interview people. I spotted a mother with three highly energetic toddlers who had to continually entertain them and corral them back to their place in line (later I learned she was their auntie and had no children of her own). I spoke to a mom who's husband is taking paternity leave. The time actually flew by when I just surrendered to it.
When I was next in line my stomach began to sink. I suddenly got nervous and wanted to run. Kate was only allowed to get the flu shot today. My decision to get her the shot was always based on me getting it too. The thought was "well if she gets sick from it, so will I"... "If she grows another leg because of it... so will I"
A first time. A true selfless act takes place. Totally from the core of my heart. No regard for my well being. No concern for me.
She comes first now.
define happiness
From http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/happiness
Main Entry: happiness
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: high spirits, satisfaction
Synonyms: beatitude, blessedness, bliss, cheer, cheerfulness, cheeriness, content, contentment, delectation, delight, delirium, ecstasy, elation, enchantment, enjoyment, euphoria, exhilaration, exuberance, felicity, gaiety, geniality, gladness, glee, good cheer, good humor, good spirits, hilarity, hopefulness, joviality, joy, jubilation, laughter, lightheartedness, merriment, mirth, optimism, paradise, peace of mind, playfulness, pleasure, prosperity, rejoicing, sanctity, seventh heaven, vivacity, well-being
Main Entry: happiness
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: high spirits, satisfaction
Synonyms: beatitude, blessedness, bliss, cheer, cheerfulness, cheeriness, content, contentment, delectation, delight, delirium, ecstasy, elation, enchantment, enjoyment, euphoria, exhilaration, exuberance, felicity, gaiety, geniality, gladness, glee, good cheer, good humor, good spirits, hilarity, hopefulness, joviality, joy, jubilation, laughter, lightheartedness, merriment, mirth, optimism, paradise, peace of mind, playfulness, pleasure, prosperity, rejoicing, sanctity, seventh heaven, vivacity, well-being
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
And so it begins....
Blogs of late have inspired me to write some words of wisdom for my daughter Kate. I want to teach her things.
I also want to parent mindfully. To be fully present in thought, word and deed will be the utmost challenge for me. I am someone who naturally rushes through every moment of her life. Where am I rushing to?
My mother calls me "Slippery Fish". A Univerity professor dubbed me "Speedy Gonzalez". One work related preformance appraisal had an annonymous comment: "She makes me feel rushed". Where am I rushing to?
During my pregnancy I accepted that I needed to slow down. Mostly because I got fat in the middle and couldn't move as fast... But also because this baby would move more when I was still. And my stillness allowed me to feel her. Already, she had taught me to chill.
Since her birth I feel at peace. It is not only her that has brought me joy, but the ability this time has gifted me, to be still. To wait. To be patient. To see things as they are. To be more present. To be thoughtful. To be stronger. This total feeling of contentment is a surprise to me. The underlying drive that motivates me now has become more gentle, more tranquil. I finally feel like I am on the right path.
I have reached a destination. This is the place I must have been rushing to.
If I can offer Kate some insight to who I am, maybe she will grow to love my flawed self.
How well can I help shape this beautiful creature?
I also want to parent mindfully. To be fully present in thought, word and deed will be the utmost challenge for me. I am someone who naturally rushes through every moment of her life. Where am I rushing to?
My mother calls me "Slippery Fish". A Univerity professor dubbed me "Speedy Gonzalez". One work related preformance appraisal had an annonymous comment: "She makes me feel rushed". Where am I rushing to?
During my pregnancy I accepted that I needed to slow down. Mostly because I got fat in the middle and couldn't move as fast... But also because this baby would move more when I was still. And my stillness allowed me to feel her. Already, she had taught me to chill.
Since her birth I feel at peace. It is not only her that has brought me joy, but the ability this time has gifted me, to be still. To wait. To be patient. To see things as they are. To be more present. To be thoughtful. To be stronger. This total feeling of contentment is a surprise to me. The underlying drive that motivates me now has become more gentle, more tranquil. I finally feel like I am on the right path.
I have reached a destination. This is the place I must have been rushing to.
If I can offer Kate some insight to who I am, maybe she will grow to love my flawed self.
How well can I help shape this beautiful creature?
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