what I have learned this year

This little man of mine. He kills me. He is so damn naughty. He's a trickster, a fox. He runs across the street after I have screamed his name over and over again. He locks himself in the car, in the bathroom when he gets the change. He gets naked in public. He kisses the girls. He wants us to call him "Flash". I am mad over him. He makes me weak. Amidst the shocking behaviours he is pure love. Plays with my hair when I hold him. He asks for the "sleepy song" every night. Kisses me on the lips for a moment too long. He crushes my parenting skills. Unplugs me. And my ever growing Miss. Taller and stronger than I could ever imagine. She is determined, feisty, demanding, inquisitive, slow to warm up, private and bossy. She leads her brother in play, tells him what to do and say (and he does it, hasn't refused her yet). She takes forever. Her pace is a snail's compared to my Tasmanian Devil speed. I have to push her out the door, remind her to get dressed 99 times before it gets done. She doesn't stop moving and takes an hour to settle to bed. Her hair is a wild nest every morning. And she loves life, finds joy in the smallest things. Remembers everything, who gave her what, what I said. She collects trinkets and rocks and wants to be a veterinarian. And when we drive, we talk about life and death. They tell me when I have said too much, gone a little too far. They ask about my dad. They watch me go crazy when stressed, then watch me try settle down next. And then we all hug, forgiveness and comfort after the storm always brings me home, grounds me. What a gift. Too live life in front of little curious eyes that are watching, learning and doing as you do. I am trying to be a better person for them. Lucky world.

2014

On February 15, 2014 we had a major shift in our journey. Things stopped for awhile. C, a very experienced skier, had an accident a few runs into his day, and fractured his C1 & C2. I was sleeping with the kids while our friend was holding his helmet, holding him still. Talking, laughing, reassuring, staying positive. Word got down the hill and the rescue team came soon enough, strapped him on a back board and skied him down the hill. We all probably should have avoided that weekend. Looking back each family had reasons to turn around. I had to work on Monday, others forgot important medical tools, another who recently gave birth had incredibly low blood pressure... But as we do we made the weekend happen. Who would ever have known? Only a broken neck was the result of that fall. Only a broken neck?? For some crazy reason, he was lucky and things cracked in the best way possible. Breathing was not restricted. Legs still move. He didn't die. In the end, what transpired was 6 months of intense healing, peppered with panic and anxiety, curbed by love and community. C had to wear a medieval contraption for 3 months straight. The device was drilled in to his head. He had to sleep sitting up. Drink from a straw. The other details, all too personal involved humility and grace. I didn't take any pictures last year of our little family. We were in survival mode. I forgot to book them in to activities for example. I moved us in to a new house. People were there for us. Random people I didn't even know thought of us, left food in door step. People took the kids for me to have a break. I cried, I drank. I talked about the situation a lot. And we got through it. He healed, perfectly in my opinion. "Has he changed?" - this is the most frequent question I have been asked since last year. Not really... But I didn't want him to change. And I was offended by the question. But there has been a shit tonne of reflection and of course, the gratitude is overwhelming some times. A year and a half later and things are back to normal. Underlying our normal is a deeper sense of belonging and commitment. I really want this family to work. And I continue to do all that I can to listen and respect him and raise our kids together. It's still fucking hard. Every day is a challenge and I am tired and underwhelmed. But a witnessed a lot of love last year and I am eternally grateful for that.