I'm not attached to most things. I like de-cluttering and throwing things out excite me. I take a lot of time thinking about where I should take my "extras", my old stuff... Value Village near by is very convenient, yet I have been told that the owners are some rich assholes that take advantage of the poor. I think about selling some things, just to make a buck. I think of handing them down to my nieces, passing them on to people I work with, consignment stores, kijiji, the list goes on.
But I recently lost something irreplacable. And not by choice. 2009. All of my pictures. God Damn computer.
The night I realized they were gone, I was calm. Bewildered and in denial I suppose. Two weeks later the grief has set in and last night, I cried myself to sleep.
See, I adore taking pictures. I pride myself on having a decent eye for photography. I get lots of compliments on my work and have been asked to shot family photos, weddings and babies. Our camera is professional too which helps. Honestly though, most of the time I have no idea what I am doing or how the damn camera works... But I continue snapping away.
For some unknown reason some folders disappeared after C attempted to upgrade our PC. A mistake. I understand that. And I see the guilt in his eyes. He feels bad, I am trying to play down my anguish. (For the record he has spent hours trying to restore & recover data- a bit to stubborn to take the f*&^ing thing in, but he's tried).
I feel like part of me has died. My memory is not so good and I rely on my pictures to recall special moments. Her face, her feet, her dimple, her newborn yawn, my skin, his safe hands, grandma, grandpa, nieces, nephews so many things have been captured in that lense and saved on to this machine. As I write, I am using Restoration Version 3.2.13 to save me from the sorrow of never seening that time again. So far, we have saved 15% of what I had.
I recognize that there are worse things in life and it makes me cringe with empathy for people who have lost all their belongings in a fire, or a thesis or manuscript stolen, or the unthinkable; a baby's death. Oh my god. I can't even imagine that loss.
So the few I find will do. I accept the lose. I suppose it's an opportunity in reminding my brain that it must have the capacity to remember the details. Don't rely on the camera so heavily. Stop looking in the view finder to see what I have taken. See it for what is there in front of you. The moments are passing like light speed.
Breath. Take it in. Remember.
