the urge

In supporting a friend who is experiencing post partum anxiety I realized that I too, had it. I remember hiking in Maui, 2 months post c-section, up a trail less travelled. Rain threatening to wash us away. We found the trail in the "off the beaten path" guide book, it said "off the 15 mile marker, on the road to Hana, there is a tree and a broken fence... take the path on the right and watch your step". I wasn't in for it. All I could picture was falling flat with A in the Baby bjorn in front of me... face down on a rock. Head smashed in, his brain oozing from his empty eye sockets. Dead in my arms. That was all I could think of. No wonder we had some heavy conversations later that evening about our fundamental differences. Why he is so adventurous and I, not up for any thing, was always holding things back. The generalizations were heart breaking. There was no opportunity to self reflect and OWN my gritty intrusive thoughts. I couldn't explain the possibility of not feeling mentally well. I was too in it. Recently, I was faciliating a dialogue between other mothers, support people and service providers about post partum depression and anxiety. You see, this is my job; to educate and empower women. To offer women a safe place to express themselves and not feel judged. While another lovely soul gifted her story to us; a sad tale of isolation and panic and suffering solitude... I realized then that I too, was a victim of out of control hormones and dysfunctional neurotransmitters. It wasn't me who was resisting or hesitating. It wasn't me who was holding us back. It's not my fault. Don't judge me, man. My scars not healed. I haven't slept. I'm tired. Would it kill you to be kind and attempt to understand. In our lesson for the women that are hurting and worried about their capabilites as mothers, a counsellor described "intrusive thoughts". They are the untold images that people harbour in fear: "Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate"- Wikipedia What was interesting about the explaination we heard, was that what often causes the anxiety associated with intrusive thoughts... is the urge to actually do it. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm better now. But I still have these thoughts. At times about car accidents. Or details about a loved one dying. About cheating and the awful aftermath. But mostly it's about saying something inappropriate. You know what I am talking about. For example, today I was in a meeting; a long drawn out, complex and draining meeting. And I confess that during the meeting, in moments of disconnect- I looked around the room and thought about how alike each person resembled a dog. Bulldog, chiguagua, basset hound, pincher, boxer, etc etc. Enter anxiety. These thoughts are now accompanied by the concern that I may yell it out. "Hey You! You look a basset hound! Your fat chin and droppy cheeks make you look exactly like a b.hound!". Yikes. I worry that I will swear like I have tourette syndrome when I am mad. I wonder how a man would react if I told him I was thinking about fucking him. I think I could punch someone's face in if I ever got in to a fender bender. The possibilities, or the option to actually go ahead with the thought at times is exciting, and other times, my heart races and I am scared I have no control over the impulse to feed the urge. Writing this is already causing me anxiety. What if I write something I am really thinking? I better stop now.